Once Thanksgiving is over, it’s time for me to listen to holiday music until at least Christmas Day when I’m in my car. The radio station is locked onto WLQT and it will not budge until New Year’s! With all of the Christmassy music and carols, I sometimes may put too much thought into their lyrics and meaning. And now, may I present to you my modern & paranoid views of holiday music.

Frosty the Snowman
Why aren’t these children totally freaking out when this snowman comes to life? Wouldn’t you be the least bit apprehensive if a big pile of snow suddenly started moving, resembling a sort of abominable snowman? That traffic cop should have taken the kids aside and placed a few slugs into `ol Frosty before he gets the chance to brainwash our children and usurp the town. Indeed.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
So… the other reindeer wouldn’t let Rudolph play in their reindeer games, made fun of his bright red nose, and overall being a bunch of jerks, eh? Then suddenly when Santa Claus gives Rudolph an important job to lead the sleigh and save Christmas in its entirety, those same reindeer think he’s the bomb, totally awesome, and want to be his friend. WTF. I’m sorry, Rudolph, but you should have told them to suck it. You’re the mack daddy pimp and they’re your ******s. What comes around goes around.

Do You Hear What I Hear?
Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king, “Do you know what I know? In your palace, warm mighty king? Do you know what I know? A Child, a Child shivers in the cold. Let us bring him silver and gold. Let us bring him silver and gold.” WTF. This child is freezing in a manger. Let us bring him flannel pajamas and a blanket! At least offer to shave a nearby sheep for goodness sakes.

Mary, Did You Know?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will be persecuted by people who don’t agree with his beliefs? Oh, and did you know that his future followers will do the same unto others for the same reason? Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? For shame, people.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Is this is song about a jolly fellow bringing toys to the children? Or a creepy old man peering into the souls and bedrooms of little children? Either way, the notion of this song is a great threat to use against your own kids when they’re not behaving during the holiday season.

Up on the Housetop
Thank goodness Nell got her cute little dolly, but why did little Will get a hammer and tacks? I can see the use of the ball but what of the whip that cracks? This does not sound like a very child-safe gift at all, Santa! What gives? Do you want little Willie to become a future sadist?

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
So this kid creeps down the stairs and catches his mother in the lewt act of planting one on `ol Saint Nick, eh? Then he thinks it would have been hilarious if his father had saw it. Something tells me that his old man may have grabbed a baseball bat or a pistol from the nightstand. Santa’s one lucky guy. Only has to work one day a year and gets the babes. It’s good to be the Kringle.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Love the song. I’m just wondering about the scary ghost stories bit. Aside from A Christmas Carol, I am not aware of any other Christmas story that involves ghosts. Where are the rest? Please let me know! I think that’s what my Christmas has been missing! I need to be scared of Christmas! There’s The Nightmare Before Christmas although that came out after this song was written. Hmm… More research this needs.

Let It Snow
Actually, I have no complaints with this song. When it’s snowing, it is best to stay inside, warm and cozy with your sweetie. Going out there for anything seems like an endless cause, whether it be for shoveling the snow out of your driveway or drudging your way to work. Snow should only stick to grass and ground, but not surface streets or sidewalks. It’s beautiful and fun to look at or play in but we really shouldn’t need to have to deal with it. Since I’ll probably not get that wish, how about an unnatural weather phenomenon where it snows on Christmas Eve night for a bright white Christmas morning and then melts on the next day? Tough luck there, too, huh? Especially since Christmas is just about the start of the winter season – three more months! Seriously, snow is pretty useless after Christmas is over.

The Twelve Days of Christmas
Seriously, if your true love actually sent you all of those things, you may want to interest him/her in some serious credit counseling. Not only the cost, but where are you keeping the quanitity of these things, especially the live ones? According to PNC, the cost of the twelve days of Christmas is $18,920.59. Of course, this is only calculated for one instance of each of the gifts (1 partridge, 2 doves, 3 hens, etc). If you take the song literally, you get your second partridge on the second day, yadda yadda. So that’s 12 partridges in their own pear trees, 22 turtle doves, 30 french hens, 36 calling birds, 40 golden rings, 48 geese a laying, 42 swans a swimming, 40 maids a milking, 36 ladies dancing, 30 lords a leaping, 22 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming. Tabulate that and you get $75,122.03. Not to mention the food and upkeep costs. What a nasty smell from all of those birds that must be. Thanks a lot, love.

This entry was posted by Adam on Friday, December 1st, 2006 at 9:40 am and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.