I would like to introduce you to a wonderful technological advance of the century – err, make that last century. Introducing: the computer. You see, on every first day of school, children come home with the same paperwork that needs to be filled out by their parents. Usually parents are writing down the same information on the forms as they did last year. If there is more than one child attending school, the work involved in filling out paperwork is multiplied. Now, writing down the information is not itself hard at all, but it is a time consuming and tedious process. This is especially true when multiple forms want the same information.

I’ve been to your offices at the schools. I see computers in there. I can only assume that every year, the forms are returned with each child and hand entered into your “system.” Is the information not saved at the end of the school year? It seems that everything is purged when school is out of session only to be re-populated come next August? Though it seems that some information is kept as class lists are created and they know which grades they go to. With the onset of the twenty-first century, I would like to suggest that the district embrace technology and streamline its processes in the realm of student records.

Suggestions that may be helpful:

• Update, not Re-enter: Record the information and keep it in the system via a well-structured relational database. Every year for returning students, send a hardcopy home with the student’s information on it. The form would ask to update the information if it’s not accurate (i.e. address/phone changes, new doctors, etc). There really shouldn’t be any need to record the same information every year, just the data that changes. Then the records could be updated when the form is returned. When the child leaves the school district or graduates, make the record available to the next district or the family in some way.
• Cross-Reference: Some forms that are given at the beginning of the year ask for the same information. Heck, some forms that are given throughout the year (i.e. field trips, extracurricular activities) ask for information that was supplied already. Why do we need to reiterate? Just look at the main record with this data instead or placing it in multiple places where it could be subject to inconsistency or outdatedness.
• Accessibility: Go a step further and make the forms available online to cut back on the time needed for staff to update the system manually and allow for easier/faster submission of forms with common information. Security of childrens’ privacy is probably one hot button for people but seriously, we trust other information over the Internet (banks, insurance, credit) so this is hardly anything different. Security can be implemented that should satisfy the toughest critics. Traditional paper forms should also be available for those without Internet access or choose to submit paperwork the old fashioned way.
• Homework too: While we’re on the subject of using the Internet, allow for some homework to be submittable over the Internet. It could just be via e-mail but also consider using a workflow system. The student submits the homework and the parent certifies the homework (verifying that it’s not plagiarized or someone else’s work). The homework is sent to the teacher for review/grading. Optionally a grade could be available for viewing online. Even an online progress report could be dynamically generated so students can see how they are doing without waiting for interims to be passed out. This would also allow parents to be more informed of what their child is doing in class. I realize that younger children (ages K to 5th) probably have work that isn’t submittable in this fashion. I think that’s fine.

The above suggestions may seem insane and I can understand it may not be feasible at first glance. We use technology in a lot of areas in our lives so why can’t we leverage it for our schools in some way? Let’s save some trees, clutter, and potential headaches from parents. I know it’s not realistic to expect too much change in how our schools are run. An overhaul in the record system shouldn’t be taken lightly and would cost a bunch to implement, but we can’t expect to keep using the same record keeping procedures forever. If I have a misguided view on the current process, please, someone enlighten me. I do realize I have an outsider perspective on how school recordkeeping works, but from where I’m standing it doesn’t seem very optimal.

• Crayons, 16-count, regular size: Not a big demand at first, but the stores have this gem costing a little over $2.00 while the 24-count box was only 22¢. Why in the world am I going to pay more for less colors? Not going to happen. If they really want to have a problem with it, I’m just going to remove 8 colors and change the number on the box with a Sharpie™.
• 200-count packs of loose leaf paper: I could not for the life of me find packs of 200-count filler paper. The store only had 150-count which I figured should just be as dandy. If they need more paper, I’ll go get some more. Actually, I just searched Office Depot’s site and found that they have 200-count packs… for twice the price of 150-count. Ha! No, thank you.
• P.O.U.C.’s: “You mean the pencils of unusual colors? I don’t think they exist,” was my reply to the search of the elusive red pencils. Not red colored pencils, but red leaded pencils. I think they have the kids self-grade their work sometimes. Or it could be for editing a paper. Or not… he’s only in the third grade. Are they making 8 year olds write essays yet? Anyway, the P.O.U.C.’s were eventually found at Walmart.
• Standard/Metric 12″ ruler: What? I think they mean an English/Metric ruler. Of course a 12″ metric ruler would be funnier.
• Pencils, sharpened: That’s fine and dandy, I suppose. Don’t they have pencil sharpeners in schools anymore? I remember way back when we had to sharpen our pencils using the big sharpeners by the door that could take some skin off your finger if you weren’t careful. That’s fun there. I need to find an electric pencil sharpener. Sharpening all of those pencils by hand is a pain and calluses are not fun.
• Dry-erase Markers: I really doubt the kids are actually using these themselves. This really sounds like a teacher supply which really should be bought by the teacher/school. The costs are getting the teacher down? Doesn’t the state of Ohio reimburse teachers for supplies they had to buy?
• Folders: Folders with pockets. Folders with pockets and prongs. Plastic folders with pockets and prongs. In six different colors. Red, yellow, blue, green, purple, and orange. That orange one is the tricky one. Thought I had found them but they didn’t have prongs. Almost had to make another Princess Bride reference.
• Teacher/Time specific supplies: Some supplies are only needed if my kindergartner is in a certain class or goes during the morning/afternoon. And we usually can’t find that out until a few days before school starts. Found out today what class Abi will be in but… her class says there’s 23 children. The other class says there are 13. I have a sneaking suspicion that some kids will be moved to balance out the classes. If that’s the case, we may have bought the wrong supplies…

Just a minor rant. Maybe it’s just us but it just irritates me that they don’t consider the parents when making the supply lists. I don’t think I need to run out to 4 different stores to find things. Plus they really should find out what stores are carrying in the sense of quantities (see paper & crayon bullets above). Well, they go back on Wednesday and should have everything by then. Wednesday? Why start in the middle of the week? Le sigh…

Once Thanksgiving is over, it’s time for me to listen to holiday music until at least Christmas Day when I’m in my car. The radio station is locked onto WLQT and it will not budge until New Year’s! With all of the Christmassy music and carols, I sometimes may put too much thought into their lyrics and meaning. And now, may I present to you my modern & paranoid views of holiday music.

Frosty the Snowman
Why aren’t these children totally freaking out when this snowman comes to life? Wouldn’t you be the least bit apprehensive if a big pile of snow suddenly started moving, resembling a sort of abominable snowman? That traffic cop should have taken the kids aside and placed a few slugs into `ol Frosty before he gets the chance to brainwash our children and usurp the town. Indeed.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
So… the other reindeer wouldn’t let Rudolph play in their reindeer games, made fun of his bright red nose, and overall being a bunch of jerks, eh? Then suddenly when Santa Claus gives Rudolph an important job to lead the sleigh and save Christmas in its entirety, those same reindeer think he’s the bomb, totally awesome, and want to be his friend. WTF. I’m sorry, Rudolph, but you should have told them to suck it. You’re the mack daddy pimp and they’re your ******s. What comes around goes around.

Do You Hear What I Hear?
Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king, “Do you know what I know? In your palace, warm mighty king? Do you know what I know? A Child, a Child shivers in the cold. Let us bring him silver and gold. Let us bring him silver and gold.” WTF. This child is freezing in a manger. Let us bring him flannel pajamas and a blanket! At least offer to shave a nearby sheep for goodness sakes.

Mary, Did You Know?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will be persecuted by people who don’t agree with his beliefs? Oh, and did you know that his future followers will do the same unto others for the same reason? Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? For shame, people.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Is this is song about a jolly fellow bringing toys to the children? Or a creepy old man peering into the souls and bedrooms of little children? Either way, the notion of this song is a great threat to use against your own kids when they’re not behaving during the holiday season.

Up on the Housetop
Thank goodness Nell got her cute little dolly, but why did little Will get a hammer and tacks? I can see the use of the ball but what of the whip that cracks? This does not sound like a very child-safe gift at all, Santa! What gives? Do you want little Willie to become a future sadist?

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
So this kid creeps down the stairs and catches his mother in the lewt act of planting one on `ol Saint Nick, eh? Then he thinks it would have been hilarious if his father had saw it. Something tells me that his old man may have grabbed a baseball bat or a pistol from the nightstand. Santa’s one lucky guy. Only has to work one day a year and gets the babes. It’s good to be the Kringle.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Love the song. I’m just wondering about the scary ghost stories bit. Aside from A Christmas Carol, I am not aware of any other Christmas story that involves ghosts. Where are the rest? Please let me know! I think that’s what my Christmas has been missing! I need to be scared of Christmas! There’s The Nightmare Before Christmas although that came out after this song was written. Hmm… More research this needs.

Let It Snow
Actually, I have no complaints with this song. When it’s snowing, it is best to stay inside, warm and cozy with your sweetie. Going out there for anything seems like an endless cause, whether it be for shoveling the snow out of your driveway or drudging your way to work. Snow should only stick to grass and ground, but not surface streets or sidewalks. It’s beautiful and fun to look at or play in but we really shouldn’t need to have to deal with it. Since I’ll probably not get that wish, how about an unnatural weather phenomenon where it snows on Christmas Eve night for a bright white Christmas morning and then melts on the next day? Tough luck there, too, huh? Especially since Christmas is just about the start of the winter season – three more months! Seriously, snow is pretty useless after Christmas is over.

The Twelve Days of Christmas
Seriously, if your true love actually sent you all of those things, you may want to interest him/her in some serious credit counseling. Not only the cost, but where are you keeping the quanitity of these things, especially the live ones? According to PNC, the cost of the twelve days of Christmas is $18,920.59. Of course, this is only calculated for one instance of each of the gifts (1 partridge, 2 doves, 3 hens, etc). If you take the song literally, you get your second partridge on the second day, yadda yadda. So that’s 12 partridges in their own pear trees, 22 turtle doves, 30 french hens, 36 calling birds, 40 golden rings, 48 geese a laying, 42 swans a swimming, 40 maids a milking, 36 ladies dancing, 30 lords a leaping, 22 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming. Tabulate that and you get $75,122.03. Not to mention the food and upkeep costs. What a nasty smell from all of those birds that must be. Thanks a lot, love.

This whiteboard drawing just about says it all, doesn’t it? Of course, Issue 5 passing messes up my restaurant plans. That’s okay though. Less carcinogens for us! Aside from John Boehner, I think I did get my election wishes this year. This Independent welcomes the change coming to Congress. Here’s hoping for the best.

• If the candidate or issue has too many signs out, I will probably not vote for them. Seriously, I don’t appreciate spam in my inbox nor do I appreciate looking at the masses of duplicate cardboard signs on the side of the street. The same goes for the flyers and brochures I’m getting in the mail. Truly annoying.
• If the candidate’s or issue’s signs are horrid to even look at, I will probably not vote for them. Again more visual pollution.  I remember a few years ago that someone had these bright orange signs with black lettering.  At first I wasn’t sure if it was an advertisement for a Halloween sale or a political ad.  Either way, that guy seemed scary.
• Mud-slinging and anti-opponent commercials on television and mail are a no-no. I really don’t care what bad things the other candidate did in the past.  Everyone makes mistakes or regrets something. I want to hear what you are going to do to make life better and our government work more efficiently. If all you can do is berate and bash your opponent, that just means you are a bully and have nothing to bring to the table.

I’m not going to say who I’m voting for candidate-wise. I sort of have a secret ritual which may include snorting, bugged eyed looks, sneering, and muttering to help me make my final selection.  Honestly, though, I do try research the issues and candidates as much as I can. I want to make the most intelligent and knowledgeable decision that I can so our country doesn’t do any worse that it could.  It does seem that we have to vote for the lesser of two evils but we can only work with what we’re given.  Please vote responsibly.